I’ve had a lot of blogs over the years. My first journals were on paper, and I still have them. They’re filled with young-person angst, talking about my online boyfriends (referred to by their usernames, which indicated our level of seriousness), and thoughts about the future. There are worries about rumors that I was gay, that I was poor, that no one liked me, and nearly every entry ends with “I ❤ Dan”, a boy who later turned out to be super gay…it’s a testament to my own lack of awareness that little me never noticed. I graduated to my first online journal in 2002, which was mostly just song lyrics I liked, at Diaryland.
After that, I moved to LiveJournal, which was my home for over a decade. When I stumbled into Support at LiveJournal, I was just looking for a way to get a free paid account, and instead discovered my family, my lifeline, my best friends in the world.
My world exploded after that. I went from being my parent’s puppet, a staunchly conservative pro-life “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” child to a proper human being. I learned how to be empathetic, to recognize that your circumstances are not the same as someone else’s, that homophobia and racism and all the ugliness of the world really does exist. I discovered the queer community and all the amazing people and personalities within. I was loved for who I was, and I learned to love as well. My political ideology went from “suck it up buttercup” to “find a way to make sure everyone is able to live their life without suffering”.
At LJ, I learned how to be a grown-up too. I learned to manage people, to train, to review. I learned how to give good customer support without becoming entangled. I learned to protect people without removing free speech. I got yelled at a lot and made mistakes and once had an entire blog entry, written by a stranger, dedicated to the fact that I had screwed up royally and accusing me of now ignoring the problem out of embarrassment. (If ONLY.)
I left LiveJournal in 2010, after a brief stint living with LJ friends went sour, and horrible things were said all around. I miss the people I lost, sometimes desperately. I miss the community I had there, and I miss daily IRC chats. I find myself always looking for a good replacement…Facebook just doesn’t cut it, and blog entries are by nature rather solitary.
I briefly had a Blogger account, but it never really grabbed me. My last post there was in July 2015. Maybe I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m past the need to journal about my life. Maybe I’ve grown too accustomed to detailing my life in pictures on Instagram and via small burst posts on Facebook. Even Tumblr couldn’t keep my attention.
I don’t want to be past this. I love writing, even if I never proofread myself and really should consider editing every once in awhile. Especially now, when I need to get my thoughts and feeling out about the conversion process. Maybe this one will stick. I’m not fully grown-up yet, so even if blogging is childish, so am I.